Leven met OCPD
Naar aanleiding van een reactie van iemand heb ik nog een stuk geschreven over hoe het gaat leven met OCPD. Helaas in het Engels. Ik had geen zin in het te vertalen.
Treu, Fave. And I agree complete with you. That obedience isn’t a good thing between a adult couple. But someone with OCPD is known to let other people feel it is their fault and they are doing it wrong. And in the years there building up rules to let them feel in control and save. For the partner is it almost inpossible to cross it. Ore it will resolve in chaos and stress. And while they know it is wrong to obey, it is just easer.
The first step for a partner for someone with OCPD is to be firm. And to know it isn’t there fault. After my boyfriends is diagnose of OCD, (The wrong diagnose but that doesn’t make a difference in this case) I spoke with the therapist in a view sessions alone. We talked about the rules my boyfriend came up with. And how I dealt with them personally. I told him I felt really insecure and was always walking on eggshells. And I didn’t really know what to do.
This is what we came up with: Off course I cannot turn over the switch in one day. It would resolve in a disaster. But at that time I needed to do things I just wanted to do because I was feeling so miserable. But I wasn’t strong enough yet to confront him and keep up the fight. So I first needed to find myself back. So he told me, just do your thing I wanted while he is not looking. Oke, at first I felt REALLY bad about that. But while we went further, and he is diagnosed changed to OCPD and Autism. I learned to live with telling him that (for example) I clean something. But instead of really doing it I went and eaten a cookie
. He never really noticed it. So that also helped me with believing I was doing this for the best interest for myself. The last year I am feeling stronger and I’m saying no to something’s he asks me to do. But again change take time. And I don’t have to this too much anymore but if needed I will do it again. Just to protect myself from falling in to that hole again.
Also I needed something to not get in a argue about stuff. Like: how unfair and wrong it was that the dog of the neighbors was walking in your garden. Off course he was right about is but he was making too much fuzz about it. But saying that to him would be like bagging your head against a wall. It wasn’t really effective and the moment of his distress. So they told me to walk away. And so I do. We he is making too much fuzz about something he thinks is wrong I will walk out of him (If possible). I will shut the doors in between so I cannot hear him anymore and I will count…. Not till 10, No I will count until my head is beginning to calm down and I’m starting to think of other stuff than my boyfriends fuzz. It sometimes takes more than a few minutes but it works for me. Later if we are bought calm I will come back on the issue.
So, coming back on the obedience. Maybe I it sounds like I will jump to my feet if he asks me to do stuff but that is not true. We have almost delay an argue about thing I do that are doesn’t fits in his ideas of what is good and what not. And he is not getting his way all the time. But I need to make sure that I can keep up with it. I need to keep my own mindset also healthy. And it is finding that fine line in between so we can live together with fun and love. And we are getting there but it will take some time. It is already improved!
Here are some big changes that he has accomplished in the last halve year:
- Showering is brought down from 45 minutes to 15.
- Hand washing is reduced from 30 times to 10 times a day.
- We have invaded some family over for the first time in like 5 years! (Children are still a problem but after the holyday we are going to work on that).
- I now can hang the wash outside when the sunshine’s.
- And a lot of little thing. Like eating a cookie where and when I please. (Still in progress but moving forward!)
I also work on talking with him. Letting him now it is oke to be scared. And he doesn’t have to be so perfect. That I will not leave him if he does make mistakes or if something breaks. I also learned not to ask like “what can I do better for you.” Because his answer will never be. “Nothing, you’re already done enough.” But then again that is OCPD. And just knowing why he does say some things (ore not) explains a lot. And makes it (for me) easier to live with.
The first step for a partner for someone with OCPD is to be firm. And to know it isn’t there fault. After my boyfriends is diagnose of OCD, (The wrong diagnose but that doesn’t make a difference in this case) I spoke with the therapist in a view sessions alone. We talked about the rules my boyfriend came up with. And how I dealt with them personally. I told him I felt really insecure and was always walking on eggshells. And I didn’t really know what to do.
This is what we came up with: Off course I cannot turn over the switch in one day. It would resolve in a disaster. But at that time I needed to do things I just wanted to do because I was feeling so miserable. But I wasn’t strong enough yet to confront him and keep up the fight. So I first needed to find myself back. So he told me, just do your thing I wanted while he is not looking. Oke, at first I felt REALLY bad about that. But while we went further, and he is diagnosed changed to OCPD and Autism. I learned to live with telling him that (for example) I clean something. But instead of really doing it I went and eaten a cookie
. He never really noticed it. So that also helped me with believing I was doing this for the best interest for myself. The last year I am feeling stronger and I’m saying no to something’s he asks me to do. But again change take time. And I don’t have to this too much anymore but if needed I will do it again. Just to protect myself from falling in to that hole again.Also I needed something to not get in a argue about stuff. Like: how unfair and wrong it was that the dog of the neighbors was walking in your garden. Off course he was right about is but he was making too much fuzz about it. But saying that to him would be like bagging your head against a wall. It wasn’t really effective and the moment of his distress. So they told me to walk away. And so I do. We he is making too much fuzz about something he thinks is wrong I will walk out of him (If possible). I will shut the doors in between so I cannot hear him anymore and I will count…. Not till 10, No I will count until my head is beginning to calm down and I’m starting to think of other stuff than my boyfriends fuzz. It sometimes takes more than a few minutes but it works for me. Later if we are bought calm I will come back on the issue.
So, coming back on the obedience. Maybe I it sounds like I will jump to my feet if he asks me to do stuff but that is not true. We have almost delay an argue about thing I do that are doesn’t fits in his ideas of what is good and what not. And he is not getting his way all the time. But I need to make sure that I can keep up with it. I need to keep my own mindset also healthy. And it is finding that fine line in between so we can live together with fun and love. And we are getting there but it will take some time. It is already improved!
Here are some big changes that he has accomplished in the last halve year:
- Showering is brought down from 45 minutes to 15.
- Hand washing is reduced from 30 times to 10 times a day.
- We have invaded some family over for the first time in like 5 years! (Children are still a problem but after the holyday we are going to work on that).
- I now can hang the wash outside when the sunshine’s.
- And a lot of little thing. Like eating a cookie where and when I please. (Still in progress but moving forward!)
I also work on talking with him. Letting him now it is oke to be scared. And he doesn’t have to be so perfect. That I will not leave him if he does make mistakes or if something breaks. I also learned not to ask like “what can I do better for you.” Because his answer will never be. “Nothing, you’re already done enough.” But then again that is OCPD. And just knowing why he does say some things (ore not) explains a lot. And makes it (for me) easier to live with.
Voor meer informatie kijk op www.ocps.nlwww.ocps.nl
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